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JANUARY 2022: I AM TIRED OF STARTING OVER

 

 As a workaholic Capricorn, I revel in this kind of activity. Setting the bar higher for myself and striving to meet it is what I excel at. So many positive aspects of my life have come from blowing it up and starting again. Watch me, the little sea goat, climb this mountain with perceived ease. But this year is different. I am tired. And I am especially tired of starting over. 

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november 2021: teaching is still so hard right now

november 2021: teaching is still so hard right now

november 2021: teaching is still so hard right now

 I don’t usually struggle with words; but this school year has left me unable to describe the overwhelming stress that exists in the day to day. As always, it is never the kids. They are beautiful and sweet and fun and quirky and inspiring and the reason that I continue to show up year after year. Stress always comes from all the other stuff. 

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october 2021: the thing about healing

november 2021: teaching is still so hard right now

november 2021: teaching is still so hard right now

    I am just a person who is messy and gooey and constantly forming and reforming myself. Every time I think I might actually have an answer, I realize that that answer comes with a thousand more questions.   

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september 2021: the summer i turned to goo

november 2021: teaching is still so hard right now

september 2021: the summer i turned to goo

Do you know what happens to caterpillars inside their cocoons? They turn to goo. And this summer I did, too.

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july 2021: rest is required

june 2021: what's in a diagnosis?

june 2021: what's in a diagnosis?

 One thing that I am still learning how to do is rest. It sounds counter intuitive, right? How can rest be hard? But I assure you, learning to rest has been one of the hardest things I have ever learned to do.

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june 2021: what's in a diagnosis?

june 2021: what's in a diagnosis?

june 2021: what's in a diagnosis?

    I often say that my diagnosis set me free. Once I received a diagnosis, I finally had a vocabulary to describe what was happening to me. While this is not untrue, I also received another benefit from a diagnosis: legitimacy.  

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may 2021: medication

june 2021: what's in a diagnosis?

may 2021: medication

 The radical changes that COVID has brought, like the major disruptions to my schedule and the triggering nature of life as a teacher right now, have made my coping mechanisms and management tool box no longer enough to thrive. I need more help.

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april 2021: radical storytelling

march 2021: teaching is so hard right now

march 2021: teaching is so hard right now

   As I learned to be able to advocate for myself and vocalize my experience, I wanted to remain quiet less and less. I realized that without explaining the context of my requests, there was no reasonable way people would understand them. I cannot imagine a way that I can advocate for myself adequately without sharing my story. 

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march 2021: teaching is so hard right now

march 2021: teaching is so hard right now

march 2021: teaching is so hard right now

  The collective trauma of all of this will compound for years to come. I feel sad that so much joy has been stripped from each of our days. All of us. Teachers, too. 

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february 2021: neurodivergent love

march 2021: teaching is so hard right now

february 2021: neurodivergent love

 I know at a certain point I will have to reveal the quirks and intricacies that come with my life as a person with a mental illness to this potential partner. But how soon do I reveal those quirks? Some of them can be scary and unpredictable. Why would someone want to date someone who can be scary and unpredictable? 

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january 2021: i can be three

december 2020: have a holly jolly hypersensitive holiday

december 2020: have a holly jolly hypersensitive holiday

  Three reminds me that there is always room for another option. The gray area in between always exists. I do not have to force myself into being one or two. 

I can be three. 

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december 2020: have a holly jolly hypersensitive holiday

december 2020: have a holly jolly hypersensitive holiday

december 2020: have a holly jolly hypersensitive holiday

   The cherry on top which makes hypersensitivity and overstimulation particularly difficult to manage during the holiday season, is the toxic positivity from everyone else to be joyful and happy.  

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november 2020: that time i went to the urologist

december 2020: have a holly jolly hypersensitive holiday

november 2020: that time i went to the urologist

  I’m hoping since I’m 20 minutes early I will get in right away. I can pee, get some answers, and be on my way.

Boy was I wrong.

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october 2020: divorce

august 2020: i didn't sleep last night

september 2020: a teacher's purpose

 But even when divorce is the right answer, it means your whole life is upended. You have to start over, for better or for worse. You can’t help but ask yourself how you got here.  

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september 2020: a teacher's purpose

august 2020: i didn't sleep last night

september 2020: a teacher's purpose

  Teachers give everything we have, every single day. But the more work I did in therapy, the more I realized that a lot of the reasons that I was drawn to teaching in the first place were connected to my own trauma responses: low self esteem and people pleasing made me the perfect teacher candidate.  

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august 2020: i didn't sleep last night

august 2020: i didn't sleep last night

august 2020: i didn't sleep last night

 After a night of disrupted sleep, when I am tired and foggy and groggy and feeling frazzled and on the edge, I have to do the most difficult task of all: complete the day’s routine anyway in order to try to stop the cycle from continuing. 

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July 2020: dreaming while bipolar

june 2020: maybe i should stop drinking

june 2020: maybe i should stop drinking

  My dreams are strange, vivid, wild, and mystical. They have always meant something more to me than just a dream.  

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june 2020: maybe i should stop drinking

june 2020: maybe i should stop drinking

june 2020: maybe i should stop drinking

 Wondering whether or not I should stop drinking has been a constant refrain in my life. In May of 2019, I finally did.

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may 2020: living on the edge

june 2020: maybe i should stop drinking

may 2020: living on the edge

  Living with bipolar means living a life of extremes, of ups and downs, of crying at commercials, of flashes of intense rage, of intrusive thoughts, of irrational fears. 

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april 2020: mental illness in the time of global pandemic

april 2020: mental illness in the time of global pandemic

april 2020: mental illness in the time of global pandemic

 I simply cannot believe how inarticulate we are as a culture about emotional distress.  

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march 2020: how i got here

april 2020: mental illness in the time of global pandemic

april 2020: mental illness in the time of global pandemic

 It’s hard to think that traits so internal, so ingrained, and so central to my personhood can actually be a result of a mental illness. 

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February 2020: Hey There!

april 2020: mental illness in the time of global pandemic

February 2020: Hey There!

 Not a day goes by when I am not digging into why I’m feeling what I’m feeling and how I can adequately process said feelings. I never just get to feel.

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