4-3-14, Too Many SUPPOSED TO’S :(


Thursday, April 3, 2014

I know in my last post, I mentioned a new year, a new me.  Well, I did make some changes to get that kick started, but lately I have been feeling like I am just wandering along in a deep haze heading nowhere.  I have been sitting and doing a lot of thinking this week and when I sit alone, the only thing that keeps scrolling through my mind are these questions, Where am I going? What am I doing? Before… I used to always have a goal in mind, I knew where I headed, and what my future was SUPPOSED TO look like.  That’s the key words, SUPPOSED TO.  When you get married, have a family, and truly believe you are with the person you were made to be with, you never expect that anything could ever change your direction in life.  I honestly never thought it was possible.  It never crossed my mind, it wasn’t an option.  I thought it was for better or worse?  At least it is SUPPOSED TO be.  There are those words again.  :(  If you believe in something with all of your heart and it lets you down, then what do you have to believe in anymore??

Before, I knew what my future looked like.  Yes, there was issues, but those were just SUPPOSED TO be speed bumps, hills, etc. to pass over… everybody has those.  I was SUPPOSED TO grow old with my spouse as we raised our daughters together and then watch them blossom into what their future holds for them.  I knew what my future looked like and what to expect.  Now… I don’t. I thought I had met and was with my soul mate, I was wrong.  I don’t know what I have to look forward too anymore.  I have no goals, no ambitions, no future.  I am just waking up day after day, doing the same old thing and wondering when the day is going to come that THIS is going to change.  Right now, I don’t know what to do with myself or what my future looks like.  I think being alone is one of the WORST feelings a human can ever experience. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.  :(

However, I did get a very nice message today from a great friend who knows exactly how I feel.  It was just what I needed to hear.  Even though my friend was referring to themselves,  it really hit home and made me think… maybe I need to think the same way?

“I am a good person and someday that special someone will come my way that appreciates me for who I am.”

Enough said.  Later Peeps.
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Posted in April 2014 | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment

1-16-14, A NEW YEAR, A NEW ME


just meWell, I have decided to “take off my to-to, and put on my jersey” as my youngest daughter likes to say, and make some changes in my life.  I am the only one who can make that happen and I want to be happy.  I am tired of being sad, depressed, and feeling like I am utterly alone in the world. My only New Year resolution I made this year was to make some changes in my life so that I can be happy again.  So, I am now 16 days into this new year and I have made some changes and plan to continue making more.  I hope this year will be my year to grow and shine.  I did finally land a great job last August that now allows me to work remotely from my home, so I am very grateful for that!  I just have to fix all the other broken pieces within and step by step, day by day, I hope to find true happiness once more. 

I wish you all a very happy and healthy new year this year!!!

Later my peeps!

Posted in January 2014 | Tagged , , , , | 4 Comments

Thanksgiving… 11-28-13


Thanksgiving is a time to be thankful for all that you have.  Well, what does it mean to those of us who have nothing? I can tell you because I am one of those people. I cannot think of anything to be thankful. You reading may think well… you can atleast be thankful you are alive. Yes, I could be, but honestly I don’t know if I truly am or not. I am starting to really think being dead would be a whole heck of a lot easier than waking up every freaking day with NOTHING to look forward to, and being hit with the reality that what you held most dear to you is now gone! I lost everything that meant anything to me. I lost it all. I feel like I just wander through the days of the week numb.

I guess I could also be thankful for hope and second chances. I used to believe in both of those, but I’m not so sure they are legit either. I was always hopeful that I could make my wrongs right, and be given a second chance. My family, my husband, my life as I knew it for over 17 years is all gone. But I am coming to the reality that I am never going to be given a second chance, that hope don’t exist for me. I am not writing looking for pity, I’m simply getting my feelings out. I have no one.

So, I guess I write to speak to others. If you are close to loosing it all, hang in there. Do whatever it takes to get help and fix the issues. The grass is NOT greener, it don’t get better on the other side, only worse. If you are close to giving up on someone like me out there, HOLD ON….I beg you to hold on and don’t give up on them. They need you to be strong for them right now because they are not capable of doing so themselves. I know it’s hard and seems impossible,  but you can do it. If you truly love someone, don’t give up.

That’s all I have to say.

Later my peeps.

Posted from WordPress for Android by Stephanie L. Russell

Posted in November 2013 | Leave a comment

9-18-13


Well… it’s been a while I know, but here I am. I think I have made a huge mistake, well actually I’m sure I have, but I am not sure how to correct it. I’m scared and don’t know what to do. I feel like I have no where to turn and no one to turn to. I feel so hopeless. I haven’t been on any of my meds since around the first part of this year. I’m not sure if this stress will cause a disaster for me or not. I have had several thoughts again of suicide. It seems like it would be the easiest way out of this mess. I usually know that things are getting bad when I start thinking about that.

Anyways,  I am still here… for now anyways. Hope you all are doing well.

Later my peeps.

Posted from WordPress for Android by Stephanie L. Russell

Posted in September 13 | 9 Comments

6-11-13 content and happy


Tuesday, June 11, 2013

So I just wanted to blog and say how I am doing… I am currently on my first vacation in probably over two years and I am doing things I have never done before!!  I am camping in a tent… never done that before and I went white water rafting today and I have never done that before either.  It was AMESOME!!!  I just may go zip lining too!! Anyways, it is just so nice to be away from home.  I haven’t been in so long and since soooooo much has happened to me.  I’m very happy. 

Well goodnight peeps!!!

Posted from WordPress for Android by Stephanie L. Russell

Posted in June 2013 | 18 Comments

5-31-13 A Good Day ;)


Well, it’s been a while since I blogged, so I figured now is as good of time as any.  Life is treating me well I must say so I can’t really complain any.  I’m very happy right now!!! So, that makes today a good day! :)

Oh, and before I go, I gotta give a shout out to my girl Duals! LYLAS!

Later my peeps!!!

Posted in May 2013 | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

5-5-13 Can You Say…. UGH…. :/


Sunday, May 5, 2013

Well today was the start of my second week of work.  Work is DEFINITELY “WORK” and by that I mean “physical labor.”  I only work 4 days a week, but I work 10 hour days, and I am on my feet constantly so by the end of the day, they are SCREAMING AT ME!!  I picked some VERY interesting product today that had me laughing out loud and then some that had me wondering who in the WORLD was on the other end of the computer ordering such stuff!!!  LOL!!  Anyways…  I had to go and pick everything today from a huge box of condoms, a bottle of permanent penis enlargement pills, a box of tampons, to a very large, hot pink, vibrating BUTT PLUG!!  YES… I SAID BUTT PLUG!!!  ROFL!!!  I never KNEW such a thing existed till I held one in my hand today!  I HAD TO take a moment to read the back of this thing!! LOL!  I was fascinated and grossed out all at the same time!!!  I didn’t know what it was for, and still have no clue lol!  Furthermore, who in their right mind orders TAMPONS online???  Idk??  I was just really taken back by the stuff I had to go and pull today lol!  Oh well, at least it made me laugh at work!!  I definitely saw things I hadn’t seen before and probably never would have!! HAHAHAHAHA!!  Who says work can’t be educational???  LOL!!!

Anywho… other than work, life has been pretty boring.  Not much else to say really.  :(  Hope your all doing well out there!

Later Peeps.
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Posted in May 2013 | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments