Read me FIRST!

Bipolar Disorder affects so many people. It is a very, very harsh and horrible disease to live with. It is hard for anyone to accept this diagnosis in their life. I have lived through cancer at the age of 24, and now I am living with the diagnosis of bipolar disorder I, and I have huge problems with rapid cycling and ultra rapid cycling. The “mixed state” is probably the worst. I am at the end of my rope and in hopes of helping just one person, I am going to document my daily experiences, good or bad, but honest to the core. Please be aware that bipolar is NOT a good condition. Therefore, if you have a weak stomach, offensive to bad language (most bipolar people use foul language, especially in a manic mood, and don’t even mean to at times, it is part of it), or overall life/death issues it is best you do not read any further than this. My blogs are going to be the honest truth from a bipolar persons point of view and may disturb you, however, bipolar is ugly. There is no good in it. Suicide does show its ugly face with bipolar and unfortunately it is part of the disease. Therefore, please be aware that my daily blogs may or may not talk about that. In certain episodes, bipolar people do become and feel the only way out is suicide. I just want to make you aware of how the brain functions in a bipolar person and hopefully take some normal people behind the scenes of my eyes in hopes they will understand a bipolar person with a bit more patience and understanding.  Bless all who read this…

At this point, I am going to start blogging, but I am going to start with a piece that I wrote about an experience long ago.

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36 Responses to Read me FIRST!

  1. very bipolar says:

    Hi Stephanie:
    Just wanted to say I am having my ups and downs also. I read all your December posts. You’re doing great even though you think the meds are affecting your creativity. You made me feel better. I like the way you talk about your feelings. I even laughed a little at some of the things you said. I hope that’s ok. Anyway Happy New Year to you and your family.

    • Stephanie says:

      Awwww :) thank you so much! It so nice to know others are reading my blog. I sometimes get discouraged that I aint reaching too many people, but your message keeps me positive to keep writing. I’m so sorry about your ups and downs, GOD I KNOW how bad that sucks! I hate it!!! Let’s just stick together and maybe it will help us. :) And yes, I intend to TRY to make people laugh in my blog. So I’m glad u have. :) Sometimes in all this, you just have to have fun with it and laugh! :) I hope you have a WONDERFUL AND SAFE New Years too! Thanks again so much for commenting and reading. It truly does make me feel good and keeps me motivated at blogging, even if it is good or bad. :)

  2. very bipolar says:

    The Good Napkins

    Here, a good story for your day. Now I made you LOL.

    This is too good to not share. I think we are the last generation to know

    what ‘napkins’ are. THE GOOD NAPKINS … Ahhhhh.

    The joys of having Girls…

    My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake).

    One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was

    ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was

    keeping ”napkins’ in the bathroom. Didn’t they belong in the kitchen?

    Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those

    were for ‘special occasions’ (her second mistake).

    Now fast forward a few months …. It’s Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are

    leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments

    for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.

    When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into

    laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, Then began giggling. Next came my

    father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of

    embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a ‘special

    occasion’ Kotex napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on

    top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn’t hang off the

    edge!! My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response

    sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.

    ‘But, Mom, you said they were for special occasions!!!’

    Pass this on to your girlfriends who need a good laugh

    Life is too short for drama& petty things, so kiss slowly, laugh

    insanely, love truly and forgive quickly…and for heavens sake, use the

    good napkins whenever you can.

    • Stephanie says:

      O M G! THAT IS TOO FUNNY!!! Laughing the whole time reading it because I could see where this was going! How funny!!! Thanks for the good laugh!!! :) that’s a great one!!! Thanks for sharing it!! :)

  3. very bipolar says:

    How are you feeling. Didn’t your doctor put you on something else.?

    • Stephanie says:

      Hey, thanks for asking… I am pretty much same. I am going to get put on “something” else but not til at least when I see him next monday I know. I have to let all the trileptal get out of my system first. :( it still saddens me badly though

  4. very bipolar says:

    Hey Stephanie I see my psycho-therapist for the first time today. I feel ready. The last psychiatrist diagnosed me with PTSD like you. I guess so far I’m both. We have to much in common, hah.

    Here’s the joke I just got.
    LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE

    A congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.” The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”

    “Oh, I don’t know,” said the congressman. “How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?” as he smiled smugly.

    “OK,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”

    The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

    To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don’t know shit?”

    And then she went back to reading her book.

    • Stephanie says:

      Hey! Good luck with your visit! :) I hope it goes good for you! Let know how it turns out. And FYI- you have some of the best jokes!!! Very cute and funny! :) I’m glad u share them with me :)

  5. very bipolar says:

    So sorry to hear about your house and the water bill. That is a terrible thing to happen.
    I never heard of the word fubar, but hosed meant having sex in my time. I’m sure that’s not what they meant now. Is your daughter being bullied in school? Kids are very mean that’s when I was diagnosed bipolar because my daughter and her best friend were being bullied by the three most popular girls in school. Two of them were twins. It was just terrible what they were doing and I felt myself reliving my past where I was bullied and all the other times I was abused.

    I’ve decided now to not talk to my daughter anymore because the last conversation was like talking to my husband. They can’t forgive me for being sick. His views are hers because I won’t ever go back. I’m sure she feels abandon to but, what could I do, die over there. I’m hoping someday she’ll get it and if she doesn’t I can’t help that.

    • Stephanie says:

      LOL, well… both terms are before my time but my husband tells me about them so. lol. Yea, I think the “hosed” one has a different meaning now :) My daughter is having a horrible time in this new school, but it is the school for sure. Faculty is bad! Water bill is still “swimming around” in my brain. :(

      I am so sorry about your current relationship with your daughter and husband. I truly am. :( I wish we were closer so I could at least hang out with you and hug you. :( That is just awful and I don’t see how you are holding it all together honestly… I would have probably just…. well, I won’t say… but… it wouldn’t be pretty. :( You are a very strong woman! Lets just say that!!!! :) Very strong! Be proud of yourself! :)

  6. very bipolar says:

    Sounds like you are doing better about the water bill. Bad things in life happen to all of us. I know we don’t want to hear that. I am reading The Wounded Women now, it is Christain based. It is helping me. She talks about everything stress, anxiety, grief, etc and how to face it and move on. Nobody likes change in their lives moving somewhere else. Problems are tough for kids and parents when the school does not measure up. So I think you’re on right track moving her. Beware of bullying kids too. Sometimes our kids don’t want to tell us. Like the girl and my daughter I tried to help. She never told her own mother, I did. Once you get yourself finally on the right meds your life will start turning around. It’s hard to tell you this but, alcohol only makes things worse. I been that route too. I decided when I got sick no more. I’ve had a few beers in the last year but spent since 18yrs old drinking, covering up my pain. I kept choosing the same type of abusers, losers to get involved with. As I said my husband now always said bad things to me and sometimes the disguised as jokes. Get this one: He told me in front of my daughter to go to the airport and kill everyone there with a machete just like Hitler. My daughter thought this was a good joke too. Look at the bright side now I know he is a sicko in his own way and always has been. My daughter is becoming her father, just like he became his mother. We have to get beyond our grief and anxiety and illnesses they can be controlled. You find solace in what you write. I find solace in what I read by you. You go girl. I love that saying.

    • Stephanie says:

      That is a terrible thing that your husband said to you! I think you are right…. he is a sicko with a capital S! lol I hate that your daughter is following in his footsteps. That is just a very sad thing to see. :( Maybe, somehow, that will change and things will turn around as far as she is concerned. That would be great. Thanks for the neat little saying there at the end. That is cute. :) Yea, I have been working on taking myself off the alcohol. I know it does no good, I have said that many times, but it became habit as far as my self-medicating went. I am doing good with avoiding that though. So I am on my way as far as that is concerned. :)

  7. very bipolar says:

    I hope you are doing better today. You sure have gone through a lot this week. I don’t know why kids take up for their dads. As you know mine did also. The last aim conversation sounded like him. I hope your husband tells them to be supportive. That’s is all we need to be understood and love shown to us. It helps immensely. Why people don’t study up on our condition or they just get frustrated I don’t get. At least he sounds not to abuse you and call you names. Let God guide you give it all over to him. He knows what you are going through. Forgive all those that have wounded you. Ask him to help you he will answer. Once you get stabilized you will be better too. You are going through a lot right now. You are wounded and feeling abandoned. I know where you are because you know I have been there. I started to stabilize when I stopped taking abuse over the internet. I forgave everyone if my life for wounding me. I know I did not deserve what happened, but, it happened anyway.

    If you haven’t heard now there will probally be war in Lebanon. I guess God wanted me out before it happened. Now I will trust him to protect my family over there. It does not look good.

    Hang in there you are doing better than you think you have your BFF. She really understands and supports you and you have me and others that read your blog. Everyone has trials in life that will make us stronger if we give it to God to handle. We just have more because of our illnesses. You go girl!

  8. very bipolar says:

    I hope you are ok where ever you are.

  9. very bipolar says:

    Please don’t give up. You are worth it.

  10. very bipolar says:

    You’e a person with disorders you did not ask for. I felt the same as you when I was still in Lebanon. I wanted to give up. I had no one on my side. I mean no one. Just all his family and no one I could confide in. That’s when I started writing on Healthnet. I don’t want you to lose your family like I did. We are so sensitive because we are bipolar. You can and will be able to control your disorder. You still need the right med combination. Go home to your family. You really need to start reading books to help you heal and keep blogging. If you dislike the psychiatist find another. I’ve had five so far. You like your psycho-therapist. This life takes a lot of work and we can only do it with all the help we can get. Your husband doesn’t sound like he’s against you. He’s just trying not to agitate you further. I never had that. Don’t worry what your daughter said she doesn’t fully understand. You have to take charge of you and do the work to get better and you can and will. Look at all the celebrities, novelists, actors that manage their bipolar and can work. We can if we want to also. If you go home try not to be angry, forgive.

  11. very bipolar says:

    Still thinking of you and praying for you. I read your blog everyday hoping things will change for you.

    Cheryl

  12. very bipolar says:

    Expectations, Conflicts & Compromise
    Related: Bipolar, Relationships More Topics >
    Jerry Kennard is a psychologist HealthCentral Community MemberDr. Jerry Kennard is a psychologist, freelance writer & consultant….
    Send MessageSubscribeJerry Kennard
    Thursday, January 20, 2011
    View All of Jerry Kennard’s Posts
    I know of a couple whose relationship seems characterized by regular flare-ups, walk-outs and threats of divorce. It’s a stormy relationship but somehow it has lasted like this for a number of years. In some ways it’s no different to the lives of some other couples but one key difference, and a source of much of the conflict, is the fact that one has bipolar disorder.

    Sit with them and the issues start to emerge. He says his partner over-identifies with their disorder and uses it to excuse their actions. It results in a situation where he feels manipulated, confused and angry. His partner says this just isn’t the case. She never consciously tries to use her situation to such an advantage. There are times however when her partner imposes unrealistic expectations and seems incapable of recognizing her symptoms for what they are. It’s not an uncommon scenario. Without digging deeper into their personal situation and history many of the conflict issues with this particular couple, and I suspect many others, revolve around expectations.

    There’s little doubt that people who support a loved-one with bipolar frequently feel the tension. Sometimes they beat themselves up because they feel they aren’t capable enough to provide support. They may feel guilty because they wish it would all just go away. They may get angry and then feel bad about it. Then again there are others who may know about bipolar but basically disregard it. They genuinely believe the person has far more control over their situation than they do. The tension resulting from this causes a great deal of stress, the perfect trigger for relapse.

    Coping with bipolar is effortful and complex but when people disagree about the best ways to cope it can become problematic. In an ideal world the person with bipolar accepts their situation and, as part of this, accepts their responsibility to manage it. Life is rarely without its upsets however and it’s not uncommon to find couples who disagree over what is effective and what isn’t. Unless there is a level of restraint exercised such situations can quickly lead to blame and criticism, neither of which actually solve anything.

    A common area of conflict, or at least disagreement, involves medication. There is certainly an expectation on the part of the doctor and usually the partner that medication should be taken consistently. This doesn’t always equate with the view of the person who has to take the medication and deal with their effects. Whether this is due to denial or simply a dislike for taking medication what remains is untreated bipolar and this fuels conflict.

    The most effective partnerships, whether bipolar is involved or not, require a good level of compromise and agreement. There are no easy answers here but if both people value their relationship then the effect bipolar exercises within it needs to be discussed and some plan agreed as to how to move forward.

    • Stephanie says:

      This I am sure is good info, but being manic makes it almost not make sense to me right now. However, I am aware of who he is and his writing and all. Maybe once I come back down, it will click muck better! :) Thank you for sharing Cheryl!

  13. very bipolar says:

    Still thinking about how you are doing. I hope better. I am praying for you.

    • Stephanie says:

      Girl, You are helping me, no doubt in some way I am sure, but I am not doing well. Believe it or not, I did find out I do have some sort of “hex” or curse or something that was placed on me back around 2003-4, which made a whole lot of sense to me when I was told that. I have been wondering that and for someone who was “spiritually gifted” to say that to me the other day about knocked me to my knees. So, I am breathing, but I am not doing well is all I can say for now. Will try to post more what all has gone on if I can today. Thanks so much for caring for me. :) Your the best!!

  14. very bipolar says:

    You sound a lot better keep it up. I hope things turn to the better with you and your family. You deserve all the love and support. Why can’t they see that. To uneducated about our disorders, frustrated or whatever. I know we don’t know eachother face to face but I really care.

    Here’s my daily thought for today my blog I guess:

    I promise God and myself I will go on with my life. I will be a better person for all I have suffered. I forgave all those that have hurt me and seek forgiveness for all I have hurt. I made my choice to end an abusive relationship. I hope someday my daughter will get it and it looks like my stepson too, since he forgot so easily his own abuse and wanting to kill himself. Instead of sitting down with him and talking it out. My husband ignored him for weeks not even thinking of his disabilities or the trama he was causing. When I told him about the attempted suicide, he said if he’s that stupid let him do it. In my last conversation with my daughter, she said she would have said the same thing and she meant me too. The last conversation with my daughter was terrible. She sounded abusive just like her father taught her. I know she is fourteen and feels abandoned. I could not sacrifice my sanity or life for her. I just couldn’t take it anymore and will not let it happen to me again. I can always walk away. I may or may not be bipolar. I do suffer from post-tramatic stress disorder. Yes I had a lot of abuse baggage but when I was promised bullying would never happen in Lebanon. I believed what I was told. I just wanted to help my daughter again and her best friend not be bullied. So I became delusional because my past came crashing back and I could not get help because no one wanted to step up and when I did I had no friends. That usually happens when you try to stop bullying. You get the blame for trying to help someone else being abused when you step in. I don’t care about what happened to me anymore. I just want to be happy like I have wanted to be all my life. So I will be. I am in therapy and just starting to move on. What you see in a relationship does not include what goes on behind closed doors. When I went for my first hospilization, I already knew by my husband’s reaction, that we would eventually part ways. I tried very hard to make it work but everyday it got worse. In the end I think I just wanted to escape for awhile to see if things would change. I knew they wouldn’t with all the abuse, denials, ignoring, and pure hateful looks from my most precious best friend who turned on me, instead of consoling and helping me. If it was me the first thing I would have done is get a second opinion. I would have also challeged the drugs available and be totally involved in my supposed loved ones treatment. It did not happen for me. I was made out to be the bad person for fighting back. Becoming depressed because of name calling and insults. Being ignored because they said they didn’t know what state I was in. Even though I begged to be paid attention to and not feel as stranger in my own house. Well so it goes the most wonderful man I thought I ever met in my life is gone and with him went my daughter and step-son. So what do you do you go on. Even if you know they are in a bad situation in Lebanon where you know it will get worse and there is nothing you can do. I can’t say I won’t worry but, they don’t care and haven’t since I became ill. Love is not abuse. Love is caring and supportive no matter your illness. We all know the statement when we marry, it’s in sickness and in health. I guess that promise meant nothing and it’s ok.

    Cheryl

    • Stephanie says:

      I will reply more, but you are right…..the promise, in sickness and in health, it means NOTHING! :(

    • Tony says:

      I agree about the vows, it broke my heart. i still have trouble with it. It sucks that the people around you treat you like you can just snap out of it. My saving grace is i talk to my kids about it. They seem to be the most mature people handling it. (son12 daughter10). Im now separated 8 months. 41yrs old and have only been dx’d bipolar 2 mixed, 4 months ago. Im trying to work throught it but my god it takes forever to get anywhere with the heathcare system. :( i sooo want it fixed yesterday. I went throught the typical anti depressant stage then the adhd stimulant stage with anti depressants sprinkled in. that pretty well finnished my 22yr relationship off. Motivation is hugely dificult when you don’t believe in some cause or another. My brain won’t stop trying to solve the problems of the world. the hardest part for me and the most enlightening has been watching my son (i beleive he is bipolar as well) i see so much of myself in him. It helped me figure out problems with myself that i couldn’t see. but i watch how he acts and gets treated by others for it, and disciplined for it. Its hard knowing some of it he can’t control, and is fed by others behaviors and routines that make him manic, then they give him hell for it. then i react and everyone thinks im being unreasonable :( Reading your blogs helps me not be so hard on myself. Thank You Steph

      • Stephanie says:

        Thanks so much Tony for reading my blog! I appreciate you taking the time to comment and I am so glad that I could help you to not be so hard on yourself. :) Your Welcome Tony.

  15. very bipolar says:

    I wish I was there. I would do it in a second.

    Cheryl

  16. very bipolar says:

    It’s a terrible thing to say but, they blame us for being sick. They don’t want to deal with it. So ignorance and ignoring us or abusing us, or disgust, embarrassment is the answer. Oh, and frustration. All they have to do is love us and treat us well and things would be a whole lot better. If you don’t relate with each other nothing can be solved. It is as I said like living like a stranger in your own home. A sorry situation. Believe me you know I know.

    • Stephanie says:

      I know you know…. And I hate it. I hate it that any person knows that feeling :( its the worst! People are suppost to love you and BE THERE FOR YOU! What happened to that???? I guess that means people don’t love you anymore??

  17. very bipolar says:

    Yes they do love you. They have to want help with what they are going through to be able to help you with whatever then can. That’s the way love works. It’s support for our loved ones sick or not. It doesn’t end there it’s caring for others and giving of ourselves. I keep hoping and praying things will get better for you. I still think they can and will.

  18. very bipolar says:

    Where are you and are you ok? I understood you are at your old house. Still no contact with your husband and kids? What about your best friend and are you still getting help from her and your doctors? I hope so. Your friend.
    Cheryl

    • Stephanie says:

      Hey Cheryl, I hope you can read what I just typed above to Duals. Its what I would just send ya. If not, let me know and I will resend to you. thanks for asking and caring though. It means a whole lot. It really does. :) You are so sweeet to me . THank you. :)

  19. Makenzie says:

    I just wanted to say thank you, I am so great full I stumbled on this.. I have been diagnosed with bipolar for as long as I can remember, I am in a serious relationship and I have tried to help him understand how I think and how it is to live with this day in and day out, its refreshing that people who understand me, are brave enough to speak about it on a real level!! And at the end of the day, we are all struggling some kind of battle!

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