Monday, March 12, 2013
As I sit at rock bottom, I think I am starting to realize that I don’t really believe that the reality of the past year has actually set in with me yet. I think my mind has maybe thought it really wasn’t happening, or it was just a big, bad dream and I would eventually wake up, but just as it took me nearly 2 years to really grasp the reality of the fact I was indeed Bipolar and accept, I don’t think I have yet accepted the fact that I have actually lost everything I have ever known to be my “family”, my life, etc. and it is really gone. I don’t think I can. It hurts too much to try to accept that and not to mention, I don’t want to accept that. And one of the main contributing factors to losing it all, I now HATE WITH A PASSION! I am talking about alcohol. I self medicated with alcohol to try to deal with coping with Bipolar, which then only led me to end up loosing my whole life. Alcohol is such a dirty, ugly, shady demon. It may seem like a fix at first, but in the end… it will rob you of everything, even your last breath if you let it. I can see my reality now, but I don’t know if I will ever be able to accept it. 
Stop blaming yourself …. Those around you should have helped should have at least recognized a problem…you have it…its part of you ,its part of me, its part of who we all are; those of us that suffer with this illness. Blame yourself and the illness wins, they win..Your not a crazy person you, we, are just ill. The more we look at our past and the “what if’s”..the more we stop our future “what can be’s”…hang tough girl DONT let them win.
I agree with Glenn that we can’t let “what if’s” stop us from moving on. Blaming yourself and even others doesn’t help you either. You can’t change the past. Blame only creates another barrier you can’t afford to have in your recovery. It’s time to stand on your own two feet and find some support programs to help you. Can you talk to social security for some support? Isn’t there programs out there to help those with disabilities?
Keep in touch about your plans for the future. Don’t forget to make some.
LYLAS!! (((hugs)))
DUALS