Friday, March 3, 2013

This is just me today, soul bared wide open and writing because at this point, it is the only thing I know to do.  As the tears flow endlessly all I can think of is all the horrible things I have went through, endured, and put others through in 36 years.  Its far, far too much than any one human should ever have to claim. I’ve been beat up, beat down, knocked down, abused, neglected, disowned, heartbroken, and the list goes on and on but yet I have always seem to find my footing until now.  I am physically ill and tired, so tired of being me.  I don’t feel like fighting anymore or looking for my footing.  I have been hurt so bad in 36 years and mostly by those who are the closest to me, but at the same time, I also have hurt others in return.  And for that, I couldn’t feel any more ashamed.  I am utterly and completely alone.  I have lost people in my life that I will never get back and that breaks my heart to think about.  Its nothing but a constant reminder of what a loser I am.  I used to turn to alcohol in moments like these, but I don’t even do that anymore…  it’s just not worth it.  It’s only a temporary fix and it finally got to the point where it didn’t even temporary fix anything for me, only became a bad habit.  I don’t even crave that fix anymore.  My fear is I have completely hit rock bottom and I have nowhere to go, and no one by my side… it’s just me.  I can’t find a job, I have no way to pay my rent or my electric in April because I haven’t found a job yet,  I have been physically sick for going 3 weeks now, I stay holed up in my apartment to save on my gas so I don’t have to buy any and because I am sick/depressed, I haven’t had my synthroid in nearly 3 months because I have no insurance and can’t afford to go to the doctor to get refills for it, so I am practically falling apart at 36 and just waiting to be evicted or find a job one, whichever comes first, but at the rate this job hunting is going, I would say the eviction letter looks more promising.

I think if I had one wish, it would be to be able to apologize immensely to everyone that I have ever hurt so deeply on this earth, tell them all how much I truly do love them, and then go to sleep to expire and never wake from my slumber.  I would then be at peace for once and no longer struggling, suffering, or alone….